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Mutual Self Destruction

I named you Amethyst in my manuscript because it sounds shallow and fake like the
superficial pseudo-spiritual wannabe witches who probably know no other crystals. That’s your vibe. Imprinted in time. I don’t say this because I’m a sadist like you always wanted me to be. I say this because it’s masochistic to see the real problem was me. You told me who you were. You told me, “I’ve cheated on every boyfriend I’ve ever had. If we don’t do an open relationship, I’m going to cheat on you. It’s only a matter of when.”

And so, I neglected my gut and refused to foresee. I forsook my personal values and
rejected self-respect for good sex and fake love. In six months, you nearly broke me. Choke me daddy dame. Sex positive with a squirt of shame. It was all slip ‘n slides every time I slipped inside until I learned your other lover had the same name.

And sure, I was seeing others too. But we couldn’t talk about it for fear you’d get jealous. When I suggested getting tested you said I fucked ratchets with relish. When it was good, I was captive, I was your zealot. I would go to hell and back for a little taste of your heaven. You even drove two hours to comfort me when my friend went to heaven.

But even though we were official we couldn’t wear it to the world. I could post pics as
long as I never said you were my girl. At first you swore you were mono then later gas lit and said you were poly. I prolly misheard? You prolly just didn’t know who you were. And that’s the point of being young we fuck around and find out. But you made me feel like fucking was my only measure of prowess and just when I felt like a howitzer you raised the bar higher. Insatiable hyper-sexual with the grace of a flower.

It was all thorns, no petals with the gas pedal stuck to the floor. Every time I wanted out, I just wanted you more. If I thought, I could have done or deserved better than maybe I would have left. But if love was the excuse than lack of self-respect was the reason I stayed. And the reason you remain is cuz you were the best I ever had but you gave me your worst once we unzipped the bags. And every time I’ve found the next best thing, she was never good enough to be queen because you made me forget that I’m king. Now, I’m no longer in duress but I know I’m due rest. I release you in these lines like you released me when you went back to your ex.

Once upon a time it was all X’s and O’s. Put a hex on me and left me exed with my
mouth in an Oh. Oh no no, lord what have I done? If there’s a lesson let me learn I swear I’ll pay all I owe. Was she my princess or just excess, some inaccessible drug? If it’s the latter, doesn’t matter how high I climbed I’m still low on the rungs. And I guess I’m still on the run from what’s good and what’s real. But there’s no pleasure without pain and no forever without never. There’s never a gain when you only see what you lost. Love is only a game if you believe you’re a pawn. So, I forgive you and I’ve forgiven me too. You see, it takes two to tango, one to step on toes and one to mess up the cues. It was nobody’s fault. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t you.

Mutual self-destruction was all that we knew.